From Morning Pages 1/29/2021 (the dark night has turned into a gray cloud and my sweet Sophie is still with me)

Dear friend
I am so tired of trying
I miss my old life
I miss my husband

My Sophie girl is aging and her limbs are slowly giving out on her
I am scared and angry to have to carry this burden by myself
I truly feel all alone
With no one other than Sophie
She is all I have

Dark night of the soul here we are again
You are the one “friend” who consistently is by my side
Albeit not the kind of friend I long for
I long to be free from the darkness
The heaviness
The loneliness
The grief

I long to have a joyous heart, one filled with love, compassion, laughter, hope, faith, purpose, healed
I long for days of having purpose, looking forward to the future and the adventures it will bring
I only see darkness
My heart is empty of hope. 
I try to have faith but it is fleeting, it eludes me

Please help me lift this heaviness
I am tired of tears flowing
The chatter in my head
I want to be open to possibilities
Hope for the future
The strength to deal compassionately with Sophie
Patience
To not dwell on what’s to come
To rejoice in the time we have together