What’s the Point

Today is one of those days that I wallow in self-pity

Anger, sadness, I give up, what’s the point

I remember a necklace a couple of friends gave me shortly after Richard passed, it says Never Quit

I remember the night I knelt by my bed sobbing, asking God to help me, give me strength to help Richard. I surrendered completely. I felt hopeless and lost. I got through the following 14 months with strength, unconditional love that I didn’t know I possessed. I remember that night as if it was last night. I remember the feeling of the darkness being lifted, the light of hope peeking through.

Lately that darkness has been rolling back in.

Every once in a while I find the willpower, the inspiration to get back up and trudge up the hill, but then I encounter an obstacle that I don’t have the strength or the motivation to overcome. Why bother? I’m done. I quit. The anger is surfacing more and more. I have the tools to combat it but I don’t think my desire is strong enough . . . yet or maybe it never will be. All the healing, self-care, positive affirmations, prayer, where has it gotten me?

Right back into the dark night of the soul.

Hello, friend, you rear your ugly head again.

“One of the biggest differences between the Dark Night of the Soul’s depression and regular depression is that the Dark Night is primarily a spiritual and existential form of crises . . . the dark night of the soul is an ‘ego’ death.”

Hmmmmm, I have this note on my refrigerator from my yoga Nidra training, “EGO disturbs the flow of energy to our inner self, the place where we go to heal

I also remember about a year or so ago I was attending an online zoom call and this mantra came to me, I have to let the ego go in order to flow.

So what’s the point of this post? For one, it’s cathartic, writing my feelings, acknowledging where I am. Secondly, NEVER QUIT! There is hope, a tiny sliver of light.

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