I have always felt less than, the result of childhood trauma that has grown into limiting beliefs. I have never fit in, a struggle between wanting to be part of a community, a tribe, but always holding back, hiding in solitude.
A memory comes to mind. I remember the school bus. I’m not sure how old I was, probably around 4th or 5th grade. (My school in Portugal was from 1st to 12th so the school bus was filled with kids of all ages). Pilar was a teenager and whenever we would stop to pick her up she was inevitably late, a bit disheveled, her breakfast in one hand, books and papers all in a state of disarray in the other, scrambling to get onto the bus and I LOVED that about her. I thought she was so cool and wanted to be just like her.
There was something about her, her free spirit, that caught my attention, she was also very nice, pretty, popular, well-liked. I have never been like that. Always in control or attempting to be in control. I shared this memory in a group this morning, first time I’ve ever shared it out loud. Funny how there are so many things I cannot remember but this one memory is as clear as day, it’s been probably about 58 years (I’m not very good at math) I’ve carried this memory around, and you know what, I still want to be like her!!!