Monday Meditation

Thoughts come to mind, a stream of consciousness, at that moment I wish I could be writing them.  This is my attempt at remembering those thoughts.  

Yoga Nidra isn’t it.

Reiki isn’t it.

Tarot isn’t it.

All the whoo isn’t it.  

What do I revert back to?  Prayer.  Do I pray with belief and trust?  I can probably count on one hand the times I have given it up to God.  Those times where you strip down to your soul.  Letting go of my humanness, my ego, bargaining.  Surrendering and trusting.  

It is not an easy thing to do.  Is it because I don’t believe?  I mean truly believe from my soul?  My mind gets in the way.  Am I believing because I KNOW, I TRUST, I FEEL, I BELIEVE or am I believing because that’s what I was raised on? 

I can remember as a young child ticking off the sacraments like they were prizes.  

Baptism check

Holy Communion check

Confirmation check

Reconciliation check

Anointing of the Sick (thankfully no)

Marriage check

Holy Orders (not for me)

My foundation.  Do I believe out of fear of a vengeful God?  Ah, this brings up so many questions, too many to wrap my brain around and to try to put them down in a coherent manner.  

It boils down to this.  I believe there is a Divine being, the creator of all that was, is and every will be.  Although the question is always there, in the beginning there was nothing.  But nothing is something.  So where did the nothing come from?  And where did God come from?  I don’t know the answer.  When I die, it will be revealed to me. My dad used to tell me when we die all the mysteries of the universe open up to us.

So where is all this rambling headed to?

No matter how much I search, try, my “latest thing”, it all boils down to believing in the Creator.  How do I connect to the Creator, truly connect, with all that I am?  How do I truly believe, TRUST and surrender?  

If what I pray for doesn’t happen, is it because I didn’t pray right?  Am not deserving?  OR is it because it is not in my best interest, there is a lesson to learn?  I am sure there are other answers but right now I can’t think of them.  

As I reflect back on my life I can see how my faith has been tested many times, the biggest one, my husband’s diagnosis, death and what would happen to me.  There was a brief moment where I thought the possibility of me being homeless could be a reality.  I found a way, was guided, I MANIFESTED, a home.  These were the times I completely surrendered and gave it up to God.

I know there has to be other times in my lifetime but I don’t remember them at the moment.

I’m still not sure where I am going with all of this.  I think I am trying to find an answer or answers as to why I am here?  What is next for me in my life?  For a moment there it was being a wife, building a life together with my husband.

Now I’m back to being alone.  I’ve been alone before, but I was different, my life was different.  

I’m searching.  Perhaps it is time for me to surrender and trust in God with all that I am, strip down to my soul.  

Feeling resistance.  What am I afraid of?  Why can’t I let go and surrender, trust and believe? I can feel the wall of resistance cracking . . . . .

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